Journalling

I have been journaling my life in one form or another since I was about 12 or 13. Those early writings took the form of diaries where I wrote all my deepest thoughts, pined for my current crush (which probably changed on a weekly basis!) and documented all the painful and thrilling experiences of growing up. Throughout my university studies we had to keep "process journals" as a course requirement where we were asked to document our personal experiences of the therapeutic and experiential parts of the course, note our feelings and highlight any learning we had experienced. During my introductory counselling course the process journal became a part of my life again, but the writings were more in-depth and sensitive due to me also having to be in therapy ay the time, and documenting the enormous amount of issues and insight that came to the surface here. My journals are historical documents that show the path I have taken to get where I am now.

Now? I keep journals for me.

In thinking about my word for the year, I realised that in order to bring about change in the coming year, it was important to look back in order to examine the change that has happened in my life over the past few years. It feels like a new phase of my life is beginning, that’s why all this reflecting back on what has been before seems so important in order to see what I’ve learnt. Over the past few nights, I have got out all my old journals from the past five years and read through them. One thing I noticed is that I am prone to having lots of journals on the go at all times, so my thinking can feel a little incoherent. I also have a strong urge to tie up any loose ends that are preventing me from moving on.

My journals have often been a place for expressing some very personal thoughts and feelings. However, it feels somewhat dangerous to do this, as these thoughts are for my eyes only. Yet I am documenting them, so there is a danger they will be read. My worst fears were realised when I was younger and the one of the most important people in my life (who I thought I could trust with anything) broke my trust and read my diaries from cover to cover. I CANNOT CONVEY how heartbreaking this was. In the end I felt so ashamed that someone had read all my secrets that I systematically burnt them all without re-reading them so that I would not cringe at what had been discovered by this person. Only one diary exists from this period of my life. I read that diary recently, and it was lovely to look back at my 14 year old self and see what was important to her then. It made me feel bereft for all those diaries I destroyed though, as I will never have the privilege of looking back at them as an old woman and remembering the girl I once was. Its feels important for me to keep all the journals I have now safely so that I can look back on them, perhaps with some bits edited out! This is something I will do soon. It also is important to put them away now so that they take on a feeling of being finished with. I only need one journal to write in now, and I'm not going to keep looking back, I'm going to look forward....... I have a sense of where I was at after reading through the journals, I can see what has changed, I can see where I was brave (especially at times in my therapy!) and I can see what issues are still around. But what I need to reflect on from today onwards is where I am at NOW so I can move into the future rather than living in the past.

Selected thoughts from my journal reflections

# Big realisations have come through documenting thoughts in journals. Perhaps without the clarity of having these thoughts written down I may not have been able to gain such clear insight. The journal seems to act as a transitional point before insight can be fully understood and then integrated.

# Too much list making makes me feel exhausted, especially if the lists are in lots of different places!

# I can often be in a hurry to gain immediate “enlightenment”, but I’m realising that an idea or theme may have to percolate for a long time, perhaps years, before insight can come.

# I have learnt how important it is to live as fully as possible and take potential risks. I’m not sure I would have learnt this lesson so well if it was not for the people in my life I have lost, so now the grief is over, I feel grateful for that. I no longer feel a victim of my past, but I feel shaped and enriched by it.

# I am happy with my lack of career! I have learnt it’s far more important for me to be fulfilled as an artist than to have a job with money and status. I gain my status and fulfilment from my art.

# On that theme, I have learnt not to be in so much of a rush to achieve. If I am meant to be a therapist of some kind, I will naturally gravitate towards that world as I get older.

# There is still so much I need to let go of, and I’m not quite sure how to do it!

Perhaps I have journalled so much in the past as I am so afraid of forgetting the details of life and of not being able to fully capture moments. But perhaps it is not so important to remember everything, as long as I am living in the moment, feeling fulfilled and content. There’s still changes to make, but everyday I feel I am getting closer to being the person I want to be. Until then, I’m going to try not to be so hard on myself!