Friday 25 January 2008

Musings on change and the first goodbye.

Here is the artroom before......



















And here is it NOW



















And so here is also the first blog that aknowledges the first big CHANGE that is happening for us...... we are in the process of sorting out the flat in order to sell it. Reason? We are off to New Zealand to see what that brings! There is obviously more that needs to be said about that, but this post is ALL about the artroom.

OK, so it was the most trashed room of the lot, so in our DIY plan, it was the first to go. But it was more emotional than I ever expected. That room has been so much more than just that.... it has been the birthplace of so much creativity. It has seen so much! And I miss it desperately already, although I know it is for the GREATER GOOD. Boo! Mind you, it is interesting to note that in looking back at photos of it as a work space, i much prefer the empty space with just the easel..... its much less cluttered and inspires me much more. I feel that my next studio space needs a very clearly defined easel space with nothing else around it. I need the space to just PAINT. So if anything, I am grateful for the insight that gutting my artroom has brought about, even if I am deeply mourning the loss of its SOUL in this present moment.....

Sunday 13 January 2008

Whats inspiring me?























OK, so this is inspiring you too Elsie, but this woman will NEVER cease to inspire me!

Pluto

Excuse me
But I just have to
Explode
Explode this body
Off me

I'll be brand new
Brand new tomorrow
A little bit tired
But brand new

Bjork

Demons?

"Whenever I try and banish my demons, I risk losing my angels" Sheldon B. Kopp

I came across this quote whilst reading my journals that really meant a lot to me. In therapy, I spent a lot of the time trying to "sort out my problems". However, I soon came to the conclusion that therapy wouldn't "cure" me, and that my bad experiences perhaps gave me special insight into life that those who hadn't seen bad times would never fully have.

if you want to woo me...





















Don't buy me roses....... buy me TULIPS.

Journalling














I have been journaling my life in one form or another since I was about 12 or 13. Those early writings took the form of diaries where I wrote all my deepest thoughts, pined for my current crush (which probably changed on a weekly basis!) and documented all the painful and thrilling experiences of growing up. Throughout my university studies we had to keep "process journals" as a course requirement where we were asked to document our personal experiences of the therapeutic and experiential parts of the course, note our feelings and highlight any learning we had experienced. During my introductory counselling course the process journal became a part of my life again, but the writings were more in-depth and sensitive due to me also having to be in therapy ay the time, and documenting the enormous amount of issues and insight that came to the surface here. My journals are historical documents that show the path I have taken to get where I am now.

Now? I keep journals for me.

In thinking about my word for the year, I realised that in order to bring about change in the coming year, it was important to look back in order to examine the change that has happened in my life over the past few years. It feels like a new phase of my life is beginning, that’s why all this reflecting back on what has been before seems so important in order to see what I’ve learnt. Over the past few nights, I have got out all my old journals from the past five years and read through them. One thing I noticed is that I am prone to having lots of journals on the go at all times, so my thinking can feel a little incoherent. I also have a strong urge to tie up any loose ends that are preventing me from moving on.

My journals have often been a place for expressing some very personal thoughts and feelings. However, it feels somewhat dangerous to do this, as these thoughts are for my eyes only. Yet I am documenting them, so there is a danger they will be read. My worst fears were realised when I was younger and the one of the most important people in my life (who I thought I could trust with anything) broke my trust and read my diaries from cover to cover. I CANNOT CONVEY how heartbreaking this was. In the end I felt so ashamed that someone had read all my secrets that I systematically burnt them all without re-reading them so that I would not cringe at what had been discovered by this person. Only one diary exists from this period of my life. I read that diary recently, and it was lovely to look back at my 14 year old self and see what was important to her then. It made me feel bereft for all those diaries I destroyed though, as I will never have the privilege of looking back at them as an old woman and remembering the girl I once was. Its feels important for me to keep all the journals I have now safely so that I can look back on them, perhaps with some bits edited out! This is something I will do soon. It also is important to put them away now so that they take on a feeling of being finished with. I only need one journal to write in now, and I'm not going to keep looking back, I'm going to look forward....... I have a sense of where I was at after reading through the journals, I can see what has changed, I can see where I was brave (especially at times in my therapy!) and I can see what issues are still around. But what I need to reflect on from today onwards is where I am at NOW so I can move into the future rather than living in the past.

Selected thoughts from my journal reflections

# Big realisations have come through documenting thoughts in journals. Perhaps without the clarity of having these thoughts written down I may not have been able to gain such clear insight. The journal seems to act as a transitional point before insight can be fully understood and then integrated.

# Too much list making makes me feel exhausted, especially if the lists are in lots of different places!

# I can often be in a hurry to gain immediate “enlightenment”, but I’m realising that an idea or theme may have to percolate for a long time, perhaps years, before insight can come.

# I have learnt how important it is to live as fully as possible and take potential risks. I’m not sure I would have learnt this lesson so well if it was not for the people in my life I have lost, so now the grief is over, I feel grateful for that. I no longer feel a victim of my past, but I feel shaped and enriched by it.

# I am happy with my lack of career! I have learnt it’s far more important for me to be fulfilled as an artist than to have a job with money and status. I gain my status and fulfilment from my art.

# On that theme, I have learnt not to be in so much of a rush to achieve. If I am meant to be a therapist of some kind, I will naturally gravitate towards that world as I get older.

# There is still so much I need to let go of, and I’m not quite sure how to do it!

Perhaps I have journalled so much in the past as I am so afraid of forgetting the details of life and of not being able to fully capture moments. But perhaps it is not so important to remember everything, as long as I am living in the moment, feeling fulfilled and content. There’s still changes to make, but everyday I feel I am getting closer to being the person I want to be. Until then, I’m going to try not to be so hard on myself!

Tuesday 8 January 2008

Celebrate solitude



"It seems that what the body does, the mind soon follows. When we are in solitude, ideas flow almost effortlessly. Our muse is but a deep breath and a long slow walk away."

I have spent this evening having my own private pyjama party. Only one person was invited, the person whose company I enjoy the most...... ME!
I drank peppermint tea from my spotty cup with the stripy saucer, mindfully ate dark chocolate, and watched Amelie, my favourite film of all time, in my spotty pyjamas, under the dark red bedspread with the fire roaring and the rain coming down in buckets outside. Feeling cosy and warm and content. I have forgotten how good it is to spend time on my own, revelling in my own company, filling my time with things that inspire me. And I SO love Amelie. It makes me feel inspired and at ease with the world.

I often spend a lot of time trying to make sure I keep up with my connections and commitments to friends and family, but what tonight has shown me is that i mustn't forget to spend lots of quality time with somebody extremely important.


MYSELF

Sunday 6 January 2008

Saturday 5 January 2008

Use it or lose it

Now, this post may seem a little tedious....... but bear with me.....

Have been clearing out all the old coats from the coatstand today as we were decorating the hallway. Out coatstand was JAMMED with so many old coats, probably about twenty or so, and out of those, I probably wear four or five. The rest? Waiting for me to lose weight before I wore them again. Or waiting for mending, or keeping because I felt i ought to, or waiting to be Ebay-ed.

well, on my sorting out, i found that most of the coats that were waiting for something have gone MOULDY!

this may seem like a boring post (and it is a bit!) but it serves as a reminder to me..... stop putting things off, and be realistic about things. if i haven't used something in over a year, chances are i probably won't ever again!

Its good to remember the positive feelings that decluttering brings.... sounds sad, but i always feel more calm and focused when i am looking at a clear space rather than a corner absolutely rammed to the rafters with CRAP!

Thursday 3 January 2008

Reflecting....

I need to set aside an evening with all my old journals and sketchbook to reflect on my writing and find a new direction with my art and my thinking. It feels a bit like I can't set about really changing until I can examine my thoughts and feeling from these books. There is a sense that these journals contain lots of unfinished business and half formed ideas, and they need re-reading.

I also need some direction in the studio. Perhaps it is time for another big sculptural project?

Use it up......

I noticed a habit I am often to be found doing.....

I have lots of beautiful toiletries that just sit in my bathroom never being used. I feel I should save them for special occasions, or wait untill I am thinner to make myself feel good about using them, or feel afraid of them running out! I have lots of beautiful notebooks that I am afraid of writing in for fear of "ruining" them. My "Living out Loud" book by Keri Smith that is meant to be used and interacted with remains untouched. My "Wreck this Journal" book remains unwrecked. I keep waiting until I have time to do it properly.....

What madness this procrastination is! Its a habit I think I should set about changing

Tonight I sat in the bath with Keri's book and filled in the living out loud calendar with all the stickers. It encourages you to do something special for yourself every day which nurtures or enriches. So i must remember to do these and document how it feels here.

No more waiting for the right moment to do things. The moment is HERE AND NOW!

Tuesday 1 January 2008

Its the little things....

I was just thinking about how sometimes its the little details that make an event or a memory, but how its really difficult to hold on to these memories, to record them or recall them.

I focused on the big things in my review of the year, but here are some of the "little things" that I just don't want to forget.....

*On the journey home from George and Jacks NYE party. It was ALL About the music, and it kind of put me on a bit of a high. It was silly and funny and energetic and with really loud, bad singing (especially mine!).... The playlist included...

The Darkness - Black Shuck
Def Leppard - Pour some sugar on me
Extreme - Get the funk out
John Farnam - You're the voice
SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS!
Chesney Hawkes - The One and Only
RAy Parker Junior - Ghostbusters
Hanson - MmmBop
Bobby Mcferrin - Don't worry be happy
And a rendition of BoysIImens "I'll make love to you" which Dave HATED!! HEH!

It was pure parmesan cheese, and I had to smile as it made me think its the sort of playlist that would make any offspring I have think i was the SADDEST fecker in the world! HURRAH!!

Here are some other little things which meant a lot.....

*The Cossack dancing at my birthday (HEY HEY HEY!)
*The chocolate cake hysteria with Andy
*Validation from Michelles art group member
*My rising star moment with Lucy!
*And the feeling I had the exact moment Prince took to the stage on my 30th birthday!

ITS THE LITTLE THINGS.....

Change

Its that time of the year again, choosing that one word that I will live the next year by, the word that sums up how I want to be this next year, where my focus will be.

And my word for the year?

CHANGE

Last year was a big year of change; things felt like they were often changing at a rapid pace. However, it mostly happened to me rather than me making fully conscious choices. For instance, I had no choice about leaving my twenties and the changes that brings! OK, some changes I made WERE conscious, but I also feel at times it was all rather haphazard and random!

I also watched a lot of people in my life going through some major life changes. Mid way through the year I posted in September about how I felt like everything was up in the air and I was waiting for the pieces to fall and settle so i could re-adjust to the change. Well, the pieces have landed, so its time to see whats what, to reflect on the change and to see what change I still need to make.

I was a bit worried about making "change" my word for the year as the word could have a pretty big focus. But it felt right to choose it regardless, so I went with the instinct! Perhaps the first thing is to reflect on the changes that have occurred. As of yet, I'm not too sure what the changes will be, well, with the exception of a few!! But, hey, I have a WHOLE NEW YEAR of blogging in order to talk about that!

"CHANGE - an event that occurs when something passes from one state or phase to another"

This really resonates with me....... and that is why I know I have chosen my word well......

Mini Exhibition Space

2007 was a GREAT year for painting sales...... Heres a visual tour of what sold!

Chris's painting. Technically 2006, but the final cheque was cashed in 2007, so sort of counts!








Private sale to Kate and Lee

















Edd and Beckys commission













And the "Fertile Ground" sales

















































Don't think 2008 will be so prolific, but we will see I guess!

Karen Blakes Review of the Year

I have just spent a happy hour or so looking back at this blog of the year and reminiscing. 2007 has been really rich and full, and this has been reflected by the eclectic and colourful posts! It’s been really good to keep this blog, it’s amazing to look back and to have a permanent visual record of what’s happened this year and how far I have come. I still find it pretty crazy to think that this time last year I was signed off work with depression (which, on reflection, was not depression but a severe allergic reaction to control and restraint techniques and the power imbalance of a psychiatric unit!) with ABSOLUTLEY NO IDEA of what to do and how to get where I needed to be. I guess its a perfect advert for the power of just trusting that life will eventually turn out OK, even if things feel bleak at the time.

So.... to the review!

January was a funny month as I begin to deal with the fall out of quite literally leaving the madhouse. I felt very bruised and battered, but determined to pick myself up and start again, even if I felt fragile. So commenced a brief foray into the world of "jobcentre plus" and the etiquette of signing on. Deep, deep joy. Still, everyone needs a hobby........ Really, Jan, Feb and March are all a bit blurry. I spent a lot of time painting, job hunting, developing an unhealthy internet habit.... and trying to not develop and even more unhealthy daytime TV habit. A brief highlight came in the form of our wedding anniversary, where we went on the London Eye, and ate possibly the best sushi this side of Japan. Woo!! In April, things picked right up...... I GOT A NEW JOB!!! Bye bye dole queue and non-believing 7 foot tall dole lady!! I managed to get a job as a speech therapy assistant that fitted around the studio. Also, April saw our amazing trip to New York. Fab, saw so much interesting and inspiring artwork, and the ideas for my body image work had their seeds well and truly sown whilst at The Chelsea Museum of Art...... May saw me start my job and exhibit my self-portrait at the Studio Upstairs annual Open Exhibition, which was really important in terms of the reactions I got.
June saw a major MAJOR milestone..... I passed my driving test!!! I just cannot describe the euphoria I felt on that day. Strong words, but its up there with one of the best time in my life, because of what it represented. NEVER AGAIN would I have to have nerves so bad that I was nearly sick, or sleepless nights and panic attacks when I found myself UTTERLY CONVINCED I would never pass.

There’s no blog entries to speak of in July...... must have been a bit tied up in the terror of being un-chaperoned on the roads!

In August we re-ignited our love of camping with a brand new tent and a visit with Lipsty and Dominatrix to the fabulous Shell Island. A really lovely lovely holiday with lots of cool humans! September obviously was ALL about turning 30. It was fine, no real trauma! And the best party!! And October? It was (mostly) ALL about the exhibition, and was the pinnacle of this fantastic year! What a buzz it was to get validation of my work in the way I did. Again, words don't quite do it at this point! Despite this major event, I also managed to fit in running a workshop at The Arnolfini, and Mums wedding. Yep. October was QUITE a month! And the rest of the year? Well, it needed to be quiet and reflective in order to get over it all! I must admit, I hibernated a bit for the rest of the year, but in this period of hibernation some interesting plans have begun to brew that are going to make 2008 quite a different and exciting year hopefully! Still wont say what they are here yet as there are some important people in my life I haven't told, so this blog will hear the news when they do!!

So that was pretty much 2007!! There are still things I want to do in 2008 as I never did start that letter writing revolution or sit down and immerse myself in all those old letters! But, all in all and despite the shaky start, it has been one of the best years of my life, and I’m excited about the blank canvas that is 2008. I want to concentrate on enriching my life even further.

My word for the year last year was create, and I think I can happily say it was a huge influence and guide. Lots of painting, exhibiting, scrapping, writing, and general creative exploits. However, the most important realisation I have had is how I have evolved as an artist. Before, I struggled with the label of "painter" or "artist". It never fitted, and I felt if I used either of them as terms to define myself, I was being awfully pretentious, and that somebody would soon catch me out anyway as a fraud! Now? It fits perfectly, and I love being able to define myself in this way. I am a painter. I will ALWAYS be a painter.

What an amazing thing to come out of just one little word.......