Musings on Identity

I woke up this morning thinking about the subject of identity, and my thoughts have stayed with this for most of the day, so I felt compelled to blog about it!

There are many thoughts connected with my sense of identity at the moment during this transitional period I am in. At the moment, I am neither a viewed as mother, or someone who no longer has children, and it is a bit of a strange no mans land to be in. I don't feel I yet have much in common with those with children and feel the urge to shy away from conversations around babies, yet I miss some of my friends who don't have babies and who already seem to view me as different from them and seperate. It feels a little lonely. And a big issue for me around this is my identity as an artist. I have had so many people tell me that when my baby is born, there is no way I will spend any time up at my studio. If I try and argue my corner with these people, they give me these patronising smiles that imply I am extremely naive and perhaps a little stupid. They OBVIOUSLY know better than me and scoff at my lack of knowledge!! But I AM planning on being at my studio…… I suppose I feel a little insulted when people state with such confidence in themselves that I won’t paint. My art is not a “nice little hobby” it’s an intrinsic part of who I am. Even when I am not actively working, my inner painter is always active, thinking, planning and being inspired. I can’t switch this off, and I feel that the people who are so negative have never felt this compulsion. It comes from the same place I guess as those who say “ooo, painting, that must be nice and relaxing.” You know what? Sometimes it is the biggest struggle of my life to keep painting, sometimes I get stuck, frustrated, angry and feel like I never want to paint again. Sometimes I feel blissful while painting, or in touch with deeper parts of myself that are hard to put into words, or shy, or energetic or a whole host of other things. But relaxing?? No. Never that!

Sometimes I question whether my attitude is selfish by having such a strong need to paint, and viewing it as just as important as taking care of my baby when he or she is here. My inner artist kind of rebels at being a mother, and wants to keep the two identities separate, probably out of fear of being forgotten, lost or diminished. But I know that inevitably these two identities will have to co-exist, and I don’t know at the moment if there will be a clash that pulls me in different directions, or will whether they will merge and compliment each either to enrich my art making in new ways.

Through talking to and reading about other artist mothers, I feel somewhat reassured. On talking about my fears with another painter up at the studio, she reassured me that “the art will call you back”. I am also influenced by Keri Smith, who wrote about her experiences on her blog of how your creativity is impacted by having a child. She speaks honestly about the difficulties (and despite what that doubters think, I KNOW things like lack of sleep and having a child with me will, at times, severly limit what I can do!!) but also the bonuses to ones creativity and inspiration, and she says that she

“believes one of the best gifts I can give to (her baby) is to allow my own creativity to flourish. Not necessarily in the all encompassing way that it did before. Now I have to shrink things down a bit to fit it into the time I have. But it is still a huge part of me and I am excited to share it more with him as he grows…… For me it came down to a question. Not "Will I have a child and still be able to create?", but instead, "Can I live with not having had that experience in my life?" and for me the answer was "no".

So after all my thinking today, I feel galvanised. I know it won’t be easy, but I am prepared to fight for my identity as an artist. I won’t be giving it up, how could I? It would be like giving up breathing, I cannot survive without it!! After all, in reference to my word of the year, my creativity is probably the biggest part of what makes me KAREN.