Gone...

What a sad day for my hometown today. Our pier, the main tourist attraction, burnt down to rubble. I could see the whole thing from my window, and it was completely surreal

So sad, and the town feels in mourning today...

Piano man

My man is not a painter, but that does not mean he is not a creative soul! Not many people know this, but he is an excellent piano player. I love the fact that he plays nearly every day, so our flat is often filled with his music. But he doesn't play for the recognition or glory, so really, I am the only one priviledged to hear him play. I can often tell his mood depending on what he plays. I can totally tune in with him, as I think his piano playing must feel to him what it feels like for me when I am immersed in the process of painting. In terms of creativity, his playing makes me feel like we are kindred spirits. I don't think i could be with someone who was not really a creative soul, and I am lucky to have him!

The process of 99,000

The other day at the studio, still in the midst of the scariest creative block I have ever experienced, I was scribbing on a page, trying to break my block. I found the phrase "the mental block" in a magazine, so, as it summed up what I was feeling when creating the piece, stuck it in the middle of the drawing. This began an idea..... What if I stuck a random word or phrase onto the paper first and used that as the inspiration for the work? This seemed interesting. So I merrily set about cutting out lots of words from magazines in order to start this off. And one thing I cut out jumped out at me, and the idea was immediate. 99,000. What if I tried to draw 99,000 circles onto the page?

I think I had no real idea what I was talking on. Now that I am involved in creating the work, the task seems immense! Why on earth did, say, the number 420 not jump out at me?! But the whole thing is amusing me and making me narked off in equal measure! Its all gone a bit conceptual. Its making me feel just a little bit crazy, and very autistic. In order to keep count, I am marking every 100 circles, so the back of the page is beginning to look like when somebody marks the days off when they are in prison or something...However, this counting thing is forcing me to draw in a very different way. I have to concentrate on that, so I'm more concerned with not losing count than with how the drawing looks. It feels quite medatitive, and I'm finding that all these ideas are flowing into my head as I'm doing it. I finally feel like my block is lessening, I've got ideas, I can envision a whole exhibition based around these ideas, I'm enjoying the humour and not taking my work so seriously. So despite feeling mad, being extremely obsessive compulsive and often feeling like my arm is going to drop of throughout, it feels good! Its a real battle of wills between me and the idea. Will I manage to make it to 99,000, or will it send me so insane that I totally lose it?!?

For now, its gone in as one of my submissions for this years Studio Upstairs open studios. It not finished, its only on 20,000. (Yes. I am aware I sad that I know the figure) But at the moment, it looks great, really colourful, and has been provoking lots of curiosity and conversation in the studio, so we will see if it gets selected. If not, then thats OK too. I know it will be displayed at some point, if its not selected it means that its not meant to be seen until it is finished. And as Dave pointed out the me, unlike 99% of my work, at least I will definately know when 99,000 is finished!!

99,000

I am wondering if it was a wise move taking on the 99,000 drawing......

The process of letting go...

Sometimes it is hard to let go of my paintings. Its a quandry really, because if I am to be a "success" as an artist, I need to be a lot more businesslike about selling and making money. It costs money to do what I do, and I need to make money in order to keep on buying materials so that I can make more, progress with my ideas, challenge myself and keep creating. Yet often the paintings are so hard to say goodbye to, as they can be really personal. Also, im not going to say a painting is finished until it is at a point where I am happy with it. If I am getting pissed off with it or feel it is not working, then more often than not I obliterate it with layers of paint, and keep on repeating this process until it is finished. This often means that I like the piece a lot (some obviously more than others!) or at the very least, I have a some sort of emotional attachment to it. There are some paintings that are mine and will never be for sale, but I have to be ruthless and only keep the ones which are special to me. I guess as much as I do my painting for my own satisfaction and self expression, part of being a painter is to display work and make it available for others. Plus, if I never got rid of work, I would soon run out of room in my flat!

This weekend, my uni housemates came to stay. (It was a fabulous weekend of red wine, silliness, belly dancing in the park, deep and meaningful conversation, wig wearing and laughter, but thats another story) As part of Charlies 30th birthday, I offered her a painting of her choice as a present. Some things I couldn't let be part of the selection, but I couldn't just let the choice be between paintings I valued least, so the risk was she would choose a painting that would be hard to part with. She made her shortlist, and one of them was one I love...... my gut feeling was that this would end up being "the one" and I was not wrong!


















I'm thrilled that she picked one she really liked. Its flattering when someone loves something you do, and I knew this was how she felt about it. Its also nice to think of her seeing that painting everyday and being reminded of me. She and Hannah are great friends who I miss dearly, and in a way, this reminder will somehow keep the connection between us. But I can't help but grieve for it a little bit! Its not in my world any more.

And yes I KNOW its just a painting....... but it is also a little bit of me I sell or give away when a painting gets a new home. And that can bring up all sorts of expected and unexpected feelings!

This artist malarky sure is challenging!